It was my turn to answer and although I was always the one screaming *Vagina* out loud every time I watched the Vagina Monologues (for those who’ve watched the play), I was dead against the idea of sticking something up my gentle hoo-haa during my cycle. Because you know, I was always deeply dependent on my extra-large winged pads aka period diapers that stuck to my granny panties perfectly (I wear them to feel powerful on the outside and ugly on the inside during my periods). I naturally declined the menstrual cup challenge feeling like Courage The Cowardly Dog who could never overcome his fears.
Cut to 2 months ago when I was tired of hearing a dear friend rooting for the tampon when it came to the pad VS tampon debate. When I’m at that time of the month, I unhappily turn to the period diaper, spend time hating Gisele Bundchen’s washboard abs (does she ever have bloated days?), order pizzas pretending like my metabolism is better than Victoria Beckham’s and picture my uterus looking like Hannibal Lector from the Silence Of The Lambs. So if wearing a tampon made any difference to my mood and comfort, I was slowly feeling motivated towards it.
Although pads didn’t allow me to spread my wings (pun intended) and fly, they had become an inseparable part of my period life—almost like our first boyfriends who we were habituated to but we all knew, in our hearts, that we deserved much better. In my period story, this cooler and better thing was the tampon.
But I had my reservations so I threw a volley of inane questions at my friend. What if it gets lost inside my tender vajajay? What if I suffer from Toxic Shock Syndrome? What if it falls off while I attend to nature’s call? But then I asked myself—what’s the worst that can happen? I’ll just go back to my period diapers and granny panties, right?
So after much deliberation, I mustered the courage to go for it. I felt like Leo DiCaprio who had been waiting for that make-or-break moment all his life until he won his first ever Academy award. This was going to be a turning point for me—I didn’t want to disappoint all my friends who belonged to ‘team tampon’ because they’d always wanted me to win my period over. But most of all, I had to feel like this was the life-changing moment my body was waiting for. I quietly went to my office cloakroom and slipped it in.
Here’s what happened—I returned to my desk, sat down and remembered my friend say, “You can even sleep like a monkey because you will feel nothing at all.” The problem here was that I could feel it. If you’re just starting out, you should know how I learnt from my mistake. What really needs to be done is that you need to slip the tampon upwards, more towards your back while letting the string stay out. Oh and FYI, the tampon cannot get lost inside because the only opening there is, is through your cervix, which is basically too small an opening for a tampon. Like duh!
Once I aced the tampon game, I texted all my friends telling them that the tampon was indeed my period angel. I have to admit—I felt liberated, I felt comfortable and slept in my most favourite position in bed—the one where I felt like a trapeze artist in a circus! Would it be weird to say that I’m actually waiting for my cycle to return so I can use one again? Don’t judge me. Oh, but I don’t care because if I did, I wouldn’t have written this in the first place.